Being brave

Pretend to be brave even when you feel you're not. You'll get through it sooner or later.

I came across this 'advice' when I was reading a book the other day at Little Olive. These weren't the exact words but the idea is somewhat similar.

I can relate this to a few experiences I had in my secondary schooling. Every year, we have Leadership or Prefect or Syabab Fattayat Camps. I really don't mind attending if not for one thing: Night Walks.

Those who had to hear my ramblings and complaints and fear of night walks would remember how scared I had been. Well, a few of my friends comforted me... a few laughed at me (LOL)...some people just aren't plain scared (I don't know how that could be). I had one friend who always make fun of my first night walk. Another friend told me ghost stories of what happened during night walks while we were on the bus towards our destination. I would be the only one freaking out and sitting far far away from them. There was only one person though who really made me feel better.. after that, my night walks became less scary.

Anyway, every time before a night walk, I would be extremely freaked out. Imagining being alone in the thick jungle... Wondering what my fate would be.. what unexpected events would happen. What if an animal jumps out? What if I get lost from the trail? What if I see 'something'? What if I slip or trip and roll down the hill and break my leg and no one can find me until the next day? My imaginations can go so wild, I would already be shaking while lining up to go for the night walk. My legs would feel like jelly and I wouldn't be able to think properly. There would be like a burst of extreme adrenaline rush.

However, I wouldn't admit to everyone that I was scared. Some juniors whenever they spoke of their fear to go, I would just say "It's okay:)" (eventhough it's not). When people would talk about how scary it is, I would just keep quiet and try to compose myself. Exercise deep breathing. Read Qur'an ayat a million times. Tell myself everything would be fine (which is always the case after every night walk). I know that there are fascilitators around the trail and that the organizers would be held seriously responsible if anything happened to me. But that didn't help at all. I remember that when I meet an 'fascilitator' on the track, when she spoke to me, I couldn't even reply properly; my voice came out all... high and more forceful than I had intended.

Ahaha. Well, after every night walk, I would feel so proud of myself for being able to make it through. And I would say: That wasn't so bad after all. And I would laugh at myself... until the next night walk.

So in conclusion! Pretend to be brave even when you're not. It really does help.

~nadhirah
eleventh march two thousand eight
nine fourteen post meridiem