The type of person

Today I realized I've become someone who I didn't want to be.

A few years back, I told myself I wouldn't be afraid of being different, of doing things that would push me outside my limit and that I would learn something from. It's different telling yourself that and facing it for real.

A few weeks back I was able to complete the first draft of my physical examinations book. This was after a long hiatus and when my parents finally pushed me to complete it. When I did complete it, my parents had been supremely supportive (as my publishers), to contact all the reviewers I listed down, print out the manuscript, mail it to some of them and personally hand over to a few other reviewers.

For some of the reviewers, my heart was arguing that I would be going through a very tough time because among them would be professors who are very critical.

So all those excuses came. All the 'reasonings'.

I told myself, when I did the book, my notes were all from 2nd year and the content was based on what I learnt a whole year ago. I had only completed the book JUST before my Internal Medicine (IM) posting of 3rd year; and one must know that most of the physical examinations are done during the IM posting, and that there is just so much more to physical examinations than what we learnt in preclinical.

I told my mom. I said, "Ummi, there are really good professors who I know can review it well, but I'm scared, because I'd probably be critiqued a lot and I'm not sure I can handle it."

My mom replied, "All the more reason they need to review it. We need people who are qualified to review it so that there will be standard and quality to the book. And don't you worry, I faced the same thing when I was going to publish my first book."

I mean, these things I already know. But then my heart complained again that... it's not like my parents know these people, like how I do as a student (after having had attended their class and getting reprimanded other times).

What if it's rejected? What if they didn't like it? What if they thought like, "Who does she think she is to produce something like this while she's only just a student?"

After reflecting, I got angry with myself for being too scared to face what I needed to do. And I forget that to achieve something extraordinary, you need extraordinary effort. Yeah, if it's critiqued, improve on it. If it's rejected, then.... work on another plan.

Why did I work on something like this in the first place? I know my reasons. My mom always reminds me two things:
1. Be ikhlaas in everything you do. Because if you're not, then everything will be a waste.
2. Be outstanding. Because Allah will ask you on the Day of Judgement what you have done in this world.

And like a lecturer said to me, "Alia, if publishing a book is easy, anyone can do it. Working on a book or any project no matter how much you like to do will still have periods of ups, downs, doubts and fatigue... etc which is why not many (including me) have the commitment to do it."


I've been agonizing on how I'd have to face these reviewers. But now I don't think it's going to be as bad as I imagined. I know I have people who I can count on to boost my spirits up high again when my spirits are down low. Make a lot of du'a to calm my nerves. It's a test from Allah. InsyaAllah everything will be fine. It's all in the mind :)

And perhaps I can still live up to my personal expectations. I can still be the type of person I want to be.

I've been under a lot of stress these past few weeks with these thoughts in mind. I think typing them down and organizing my thoughts have somehow helped to clear my fears. Writing helps :)