When you see them.

I want to have friends who are those kind of people. I want to marry that kind of person. But first, I have to be that person. :)

Article link here.

On Becoming a Parent

What does it take to become an awesome parent?

Recently my dad shared an article titled "Raising Children with Deen and Dunya" which he urged us to read. At first I wasn't too interested in reading it because it was really lengthy but when my dad pushed me to read it, I started and couldn't stop. It impacted me so much so that it made me think about what I need to do now.

Firstly, there are so many things on my mind when it comes to parenting. My parents are like "Parent Counsellors" who give talks about parenting, wrote books on parenting (Cool Mum Super Dad), and eat and breathe parenting. I've attended a few of their talks and seminars and what I have to say as one of their kids is this: Whatever they say, is true- and they still do so much more.

My lecturer once said: "As a student, you guys have to do nothing but just look after yourselves. When you're married and working, you'll have to look after your spouse, kids, patients, bosses, colleagues, in-laws etc". And while that's completely true, I've not given it much thought until now. Sometimes I used to start nagging when I ask my brothers to help me out but they say they're too tired (but nowadays, hardly do such issues arise) and I retort, "What on earth do you guys even have to do at school? Just sit in class, listen to the teacher and do your homework." So now I can understand my parents' feelings when before this I say I'm too tired/lazy to follow them anywhere or do house chores.


After being on holiday for just 2 weeks, I realize that there's just so much that they do. On top of earning money to put food on the table (giving seminars, talks, handling emails, supervising the other businesses etc), my parents also have to handle us (which includes listening, advising, spending time, fulfilling our needs, disciplining, managing, parenting etc), and they also have extra activities (dad as chairman of the local surau, mum writing a new book, them attending to other programs).

So it worries me when I ponder, "Why on earth did I decide to become a doctor when I want to focus on raising my kids?" There was a great debate about this during a course I attended and it made me rethink about staying in medical school. But when I consulted a few people, they said, "Well, we know of some friends whose parents are doctors and they turned out alright." I don't deny that. But ultimately, what do I want for myself and my family? Yes, perhaps doctors can juggle between their demanding career and their family. But there will always be a cost. Somewhere.

After reading the article, it registered that perhaps I'm over-thinking it all of those. That perhaps I'm focusing on the wrong things as of now. Yes, time spent with them and everything is important, that becoming a doctor might not necessarily give me enough time to be with them. But eventually, whatever jobs I take might render the same thing. And the greatest thing I've to think about now which I surmise from the article is this: I've to develop good habits now so that even if I'm unable to always be with them, I'd still be parenting with whatever actions I do.


Whatever I'm doing now, whatever habits I develop, it's got to be something that I would want to benefit my children. InsyaAllah, I hope to become a parent my kids will be proud to have.

.___.

Oh heart, please calm down.

Underestimate

After getting lost for 1 and 1/2 hours on the road, going to SK, serdang and finally turning back to KL and trying once more, I thought frustratedly, "Why on earth can't I see any signs to Bangi?"

I let out a loud sigh and quietly prayed, "Allah, please show me a sign to Bangi."

And the next road sign I saw showed "Bangi". It was the first "Bangi" sign I had come across for the past 90 minutes.

Prayers; how often we underestimate it.

The Lion

I love how she's always able to put everything into perspective. It's not just about worrying about what to wear. There's a lot of other things we worry about that is not that important.

Assumptions

---------Monday 11th June----------------
A few days ago I banked in a relatively-large amount of money into my friend's account for accommodation rent. Today, she told me that she didn't receive any money... I just realized that she had written that her account was BIMB (which I had assumed was CIMB). She had just confirmed that it's actually Bank Islam Malaysia (is BIMB the shortform? or maybe it's just me who misread).

So yes, I ended up transferring the money to a CIMB account. When I realized this, I immediately thought, Whyyyy now I have less moneyyy... But a few minutes later, I caught myself in time and thought to myself: Well, maybe Allah made it this way because that CIMB Person might have needed that money more.


I like how my parents brought me up to always think positively and assume for the best:)

---------Wednesday 13th June----------------
This morning I got a text from Maybank which read:


"Your funds transfer to CIMB BANK BERHAD was rejected and credited back to your account."


Alhamdulillah ^^

Of heights.

Before I leave home for Cyberjaya, I'd always hug everyone first. Yesterday when I hugged my 12-year-old brother, he noted: "Oh, you still have to bend down to hug me..." Then he grinned widely, "One day, I'm the one who'll have to bend down to hug you."

Siraj, I think you'd probably turn out to be the tallest among all of us!:)

Scary People.

I went grocery shopping with my younger brother this morning. After realizing that we had a lot of things to buy and needed a trolley instead of the basket that we brought along, he decided to get a trolley. I left him to go get it and I continued shopping. A few minutes later, he came back, still basket in hand and smirking.

"Did you hear what happened?" he asked, still grinning. I raised my eyebrow. He went to tell what happened:

 He was holding on to the basket of things we had already put in and went to get a trolley which was only available outside the store. As he stepped out (still holding on to the unpaid groceries), the security guard immediately roared for him to get in line to pay for the groceries. My brother (who was quite far from the guard), calmly mouthed and gestured that he only wanted to get a trolley. The guard however vehemently insisted that he get into line. He gave up his endeavor for the trolley and walked back to where I was.

When asked why he didn't just leave the basket of groceries inside, my brother explained that the basket had been taken away once before during a previous episode and he didn't want that happening again.

In the car, I told him that if I was in his place, I wouldn't have been so calm and might have been quite freaked out if someone were to scream at me. I told him that I've had to face certain scary people and it just gets me traumatized. He smiled and said to me:

"People aren't actually scary. They're normal human beings. It's just that in some point of their life, they have something that they wanted or needed to do. And they ended up realizing that being scary works for them. But they're ordinary people and they too have their own fears. Once you analyze people, you'll realize that there's nothing to be afraid of."

As always, he taught me one of life's lessons. He amazes me.

A Milestone: The First Completed Draft

The Softcopy: Initial design of the book cover.

The Hardcopy: Printed design of the book cover.

Bismillah.

Last week was a challenging week. My parents (who are also my publishers) told me they'd be sending the manuscript out to reviewers. I was scared out of my wits, so afraid of what they would say, agonizing over the (yet-to-come) critics. Had 'disagreements' with my parents etc. But in the end I went ahead with what they said.

Initially my parents thought of printing all the pages in colour to be given to the reviewers so they can see it clearer. But after printing only one copy and learning that it was very costly to have it printed in colour, they decided to print it in black and white, which too was fine.

I came back home today and remembered that they had printed a coloured copy. I didn't take much notice of it except that Ahmad had said that it looked really good. It didn't register much to me at that time. That's to say; normally Ahmad would critic my works- but when he says something is good, it's good.

Well, my mom showed me the printed hardcopy today. At first I couldn't believe it. Is this really it? MashaAllah, I was grinning ear to ear and was.... speechless. I was holding on to the book. In full colour, every single page. After a whole year of spending on it, it's finally... in book form. Not 100% complete, but getting there.

I said to my mom, "I can't believe it...". My mom beamed at me and said, "Well, I can't believe that at one point you told me you didn't want to continue it." I smiled sheepishly. I remember that. When I was engulfed in my own fears and emotions. I was traumatized by the "what-if"s.

Looking at it now, I was very proud of how it turned out. And Alhamdulillah, just in time, I remembered of a blog post I read yesterday. The writer had said, "We become so proud that when something gets done, we think it's our effort. We forget that everything comes from Allah." And indeed, everything does come from Allah.

It's going to be a long journey after this. I have yet to meet reviewers, listen to their critics, listen to people's critics, edit it again and again. There will be pain, joy, disappointment. But there will also be perseverance, effort and most importantly, faith in Him.

Alia, remember to be ikhlaas and make this for His sake. Don't lose yourself and keep on track, come what may.

Ummi and Ayah, please remind me always. I love you guys:)

Pull through!

Have you ever woken up one morning 

and felt so down and depressed- 

and the next minute 

be so filled with 

renewed faith 

and an even stronger will?

You can do it, Alia!

You can make it through!:)

The type of person

Today I realized I've become someone who I didn't want to be.

A few years back, I told myself I wouldn't be afraid of being different, of doing things that would push me outside my limit and that I would learn something from. It's different telling yourself that and facing it for real.

A few weeks back I was able to complete the first draft of my physical examinations book. This was after a long hiatus and when my parents finally pushed me to complete it. When I did complete it, my parents had been supremely supportive (as my publishers), to contact all the reviewers I listed down, print out the manuscript, mail it to some of them and personally hand over to a few other reviewers.

For some of the reviewers, my heart was arguing that I would be going through a very tough time because among them would be professors who are very critical.

So all those excuses came. All the 'reasonings'.

I told myself, when I did the book, my notes were all from 2nd year and the content was based on what I learnt a whole year ago. I had only completed the book JUST before my Internal Medicine (IM) posting of 3rd year; and one must know that most of the physical examinations are done during the IM posting, and that there is just so much more to physical examinations than what we learnt in preclinical.

I told my mom. I said, "Ummi, there are really good professors who I know can review it well, but I'm scared, because I'd probably be critiqued a lot and I'm not sure I can handle it."

My mom replied, "All the more reason they need to review it. We need people who are qualified to review it so that there will be standard and quality to the book. And don't you worry, I faced the same thing when I was going to publish my first book."

I mean, these things I already know. But then my heart complained again that... it's not like my parents know these people, like how I do as a student (after having had attended their class and getting reprimanded other times).

What if it's rejected? What if they didn't like it? What if they thought like, "Who does she think she is to produce something like this while she's only just a student?"

After reflecting, I got angry with myself for being too scared to face what I needed to do. And I forget that to achieve something extraordinary, you need extraordinary effort. Yeah, if it's critiqued, improve on it. If it's rejected, then.... work on another plan.

Why did I work on something like this in the first place? I know my reasons. My mom always reminds me two things:
1. Be ikhlaas in everything you do. Because if you're not, then everything will be a waste.
2. Be outstanding. Because Allah will ask you on the Day of Judgement what you have done in this world.

And like a lecturer said to me, "Alia, if publishing a book is easy, anyone can do it. Working on a book or any project no matter how much you like to do will still have periods of ups, downs, doubts and fatigue... etc which is why not many (including me) have the commitment to do it."


I've been agonizing on how I'd have to face these reviewers. But now I don't think it's going to be as bad as I imagined. I know I have people who I can count on to boost my spirits up high again when my spirits are down low. Make a lot of du'a to calm my nerves. It's a test from Allah. InsyaAllah everything will be fine. It's all in the mind :)

And perhaps I can still live up to my personal expectations. I can still be the type of person I want to be.

I've been under a lot of stress these past few weeks with these thoughts in mind. I think typing them down and organizing my thoughts have somehow helped to clear my fears. Writing helps :)