where oh where

This is exasperating.

I've been searching and searching for the notes I took down for the Behavioural Science modification and I just can't seem to find it anywhere.

This is frustrating.

I mean, where can it possibly be? I'd only either jot it down in my "Expect" book or my Behavioral Science folder... But it's no where to be found... Especially when we have to pass up that report on Monday. Not on my shelf, not among my notes or psychology books.

All I can remember is I wrote it somewhere... at the back of... another piece of notes.

This is so not like me to misplace important notes. And the only reason I'm writing this down is to try and jog my memory.

But nothing is working...

Oh Behavioural Science notes, please be found and let me laugh my head off at how carelessly I've placed you at such an obvious place.

Risk

In Janda Baik, it's either the house (sleep), the river (cruise) or the field (badminton).

Now, it's at night. We're at the house. Not asleep. But playing Risk. The board game with the objective of:

Conquering the world by occupying every territory on the board, thus eliminating all your opponents.

Well, I wouldn't have played except with the coaxing of my puppy-eyed little brother.

I didn't actually have much "spirit" or determination to actually conquer the world (on a board, mind you). I mean, I already have too many things to stress on I'd rather not want to stress on something like this.

Talks about backstabbing, agreement, alliances... they all don't really turn me on.

So when I recklessly attacked other territories and pleaded my neighbouring enemies to invade me, the other players (my brothers and cousin) were quite perplexed. They went so far as to want to "save" me by not attacking me. They were forming plans for me and which country I should attack. And which country they should move out so that I can still stay in the game. Which was really quite funny because they were stressing out FOR me.

This is my last standing troop. He's my hero:) Standing strong in Northwest Territory.

In the end, I got invaded by Siraj's green troops. I smiled because I reached my objectives: Not stress out for this game.

Just smile and enjoy:)

Silver Anniversary

This is for the most beautiful couple I know.

Drawn in Flash MX. 1 hour.

A scenery at Janda Baik. Which was a gift in fact. My dad's anniversary present for my mom. A garden. From two Rexton loads of plants and flowers.

Happy Silver Anniversary, Ummi Ayah.

If not for you, I wouldn't be here.

Honestly.

Smile Train Plan Part 1

The master plan is finally revealed. After months of incubation period.

When I read about Dr Hirji Adenwalla's article back in October, I was already hyped up about it. I was even MORE hyped up when I told my dad and ahmad about it. Because we started brainstorming about some really crazy ideas.

When my dad went so far as to suggest that I MEET Dr Hirji, I was practically hyperventilating. Dr Hirji would be in India. And ayah says: So what's the problem? We'll fly to Kerala.

I couldn't breathe.

I admit I procrastinated in writing to the Smile Train Partnership in Kerala (the Charles Pinto Centre) because I was really scared of rejection. Besides, what could I do there? Just probably be a hindrance having to be shown around, lingering in the hospital where there would be doctors on the go saving people's lives.

Because of that procrastination of mine, my dad couldn't wait anymore and just had to book flights to Kerala (mostly to push me to doing something) mid next year. Even though we didn't even have the permission yet if we can visit the hospital, my dad still went on with booking the flights.

This was actually becoming a reality.

During my procrastination though, we were still brainstorming. The objectives and all that. Things like:

1. Raise money through donations with talks/support- by giving talks here and there. Money for at least one cleft lip palate surgery ($250 or RM 843.47) and bring it as Malaysia's Donation- also making a huge banner and adding each and everyone's names there and bring it to Kerala.
2. Write up a report on procedure of the cleft lip surgery when I'm there etc.
3. Get support from my college- I really am not sure how the college supports but my dad says to get support. Just so that they are aware and supporting my cause.
4. Consider the media. If I'm serious enough, make it really huge and get OTHERS to know about the cause. At this part, I was afraid things might get too big... at the same time, this is a rare opportunity. Should I go for it?

When I finally wrote an email to them two weeks ago, I finally got the courage to explain who I am, that I wanted to visit but didn't know what I could do, and that I was deeply inspired by Dr Hirji's amazing character.

Days later, after I came back from my LTDJ trip, I got the biggest shock of my life!

From: charlespinto@sify.com

To: anbaf2002@hotmail.com
Subject: Cleft lip Department visit.
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:43:41 +0530

Dear Nadhirah,

The Charles Pinto Center For Cleft Lip, Palate and Craniofacial anomalies is part of the Plastic Surgical department at the Jubilee Mission Medical College in Trichur. South India. The Charles Pinto Center was one of the first centers in India recoganised as a center of excellence and was accepted as a Smile Train Partner in 2001. All the work done at this center is free of charge under Smile Train patronage. Attached to this department is a maxilla- facial surgeon who does all the boney work on the face after the soft tissue repair is over.

The department is headed by Dr. Hirji.S. Adenwalla . About 60-70 clefts are repaired every month. This gives you a rough idea of the basic structure of this department.

I presume that you are a medical student and that you would like to visit as a observer during which you will attend out patients, ward rounds and theater sessions and assist operations.

I need to know

1) When do you intend to come?

2) How much time can you spare?

3) What sort of accommodation will you need?

Kindly let me know so that we can arrange your visit to our mutual convenience.

Regards and Best wishes for the season and happy New Year to you

Dr. H.S. Adenwalla

Emeratus Prof of Surgery
Head of the Plastic Surgery, Burns and The Charles Pinto Centre for Cleft Lip and Palate
Member Advisory Board Smile Train South Asia

P.S ; Give some alternative dates convenient to you as the department has trainee visitors and one does not like to over crowed the department at any one given time

I screamed.

So ever since then, my mind has been in a whirl. Dr Hirji wrote to ME. I've only got 5 months til my flight to do as much as I can. I replied his email explaining the date I'd be arriving and he wrote back that that date would be fine.

I felt light headed.

After I revealed to my housemates, they all started getting to energetic over it and whooping: "Let's all go!" Oh you people are truly amazing:) Darlings, I WOULD love to bring you all along. But this is a project with too many unchartered territories. I don't know what's going to happen next, some things are unsettled. I'm afraid things might go awry; besides, there's a lot of unconfirmed issues. For now, let this be my personal project and once I gain experience, we'll make a bigger project yeah?

What I DO need help in is to think of:

1. How to raise money.
2. How people can support this cause.

Ideas are still mulling over in my head. Still in this incubation period. Too bad I've been in this period for too long. Verification will come around sooner or later. I've got to act quicker and faster.

Other suggestions have been to actually call Dr Hirji here to give a talk. But I'm thinking; wouldn't he have to go save people's lives? And at the same time, I'd have to think of organizing a talk, writing up a proposal etc...

Opinions on everything would be truly appreciated:)

This is not a success-guaranteed project. I don't know if things will work out. There are going to be failures and frustrations. Heartbreaks and hurdles. But I'm sure there are going to be rewarding and pleasurable moments as well. No matter what happens, it'll build character. And at the end of the day, I would be proud to say: I did something.

Most important message my dad reminded me: If you want to do something, do it well.

I am absolutely beside myself with ebullience. Til the next updates.

-Smile Train Plan still in progress-

LTDJ '09

Le Tour de Johor '09 started off at college. My first task was by Nebbey; head of the penghargaan department. Called me up and asked me if I can do the Token of Appreciation for the government school where we'll be holding the health carnival. At first I was reluctant because I was afraid I would mess it up. And it was going to be BIG (like something from OUR college). And it was going to be on CANVAS! (too excited because I've never worked with canvas before). Nebbey even offered to buy acrylic paint (which is just too awesome) but I declined because I can't control paint very well- so I just asked for markers instead.

I didn't expect it at all but Nebbey went so far as to get an AWESOME marker- which says "For Graphics Artists" (it makes me shiver inside just reading that). Plus a refill. And it has TWO tips- fine and broad. So of course, doing the poster, I had to ask the expertise of Atikah Amin:) But in the end, I'm glad I agreed to do it anyway because I was rewarded with the amazing art marker.

The LTDJ isn't actually all about the poster. But for me, half of it was:P

Friday 18th: It really started the next day at 7am. We set off to Johor and enjoyed ourselves at a waterfall at Gunung Ledang. Then we headed to the school SK FELCRA, Bukit Kepong Tangkak where the Foster Family Ceremony was going to be held.

Truthfully, my biggest worry was that I would have to interact with my foster family in malay. I thought I would have to do the "wanita melayu terakhir" act. Seen, not heard. Do all I can and be helpful, not be a hindrance and still be accepted despite the (hidden) fact that I cannot converse that effectively in malay.

But little did I have to worry. Because my foster mother was like (as described by the MC), a battery which never needs to be charged. Because she's always on full power. Honestly, Mak Ida never stops moving, she's always here or there and she's like the MOST active and talkative person around. So I didn't have to worry about anything because all I had to do was listen (which was really enjoyable!) and stick in comments here and there.

She's a really sweet lady and her husband (Papa Mairon) is also just as adorable. The kampung life is really a relaxed one. Though living IN the house itself ss nothing new to me because Maknek's house is also kampung-like.

From left: Wanda (LTDJ Participant also living with me), Mak Ida, Papa, me infront of their house:)

Saturday 19th: My reason for heading to LTDJ was because I was under the Basic Life Support (BLS) team. So what we did was just to teach the community there how to perform basic life support (in malay- Kelas Asas Kecemasan). The night before, I was struggling with all the BM words and practicing with kak tqa. It wasn't JUST a tongue twister; it was like a jaw breaker. Laluan pernafasan, posisi pemulihan, nadi (which I always confused with nada)...

Basic Life Support Class setup. Mannequins set in a row.

I also watched the Sunathon (how boys were circumcised) and it was really amazing. I think that's the first surgery I've ever watched... I didn't get in the Sunathon team this year but insyaAllah next year! Doing a surgery have never been more exciting... especially imagining doing a cleft lip repair...

Anyway, back to LTDJ, after that we had some sports (no kidding, the kampung makciks are really something at sports!)

And that night I learnt how to make kuih koci. We made more than a hundred because it was for the breakfast for the participants for the next morning. I was so good at folding the banana leaf that my foster mom said that I can be the wanita melayu terakhir. I laughed:P

Sunday 20th: It felt like an EXTREMELY short trip. On the morning of our departure, we were treated to have a look at the police station at Bukit Kepong (apparently a very famous one- bad bad alia for not knowing the Peristiwa Bukit Kepong).

Wanda and I were given huge hugs and kisses from our foster mom- with lipstick all over our cheeks.

The last image of the community, of our trip to Bukit Kepong, of the LTDJ trip, was of my foster mother jumping up and down, waving gifts and blowing kisses.

A wonderful end to a wonderful trip:) Truly unforgettable.

I played

Ahh so many things to write about. Finally got my hands on my laptop.

Today we finally played the match after it was postponed twice.

After the match, I sat down on the bench. All so full of myself.

A teammate walking by the court shouted: Alia! Menang ke tak?

I shouted back all gleefully: I played!

So here's a lesson in sportsmanship. It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. What matters is that you turn up so that your house doesn't get automatically disqualified and you look like a non-spirited participant.

But yes, I did not win.

Neither did I lose. Because it's so exhilarating just being there on the court. I know the situation I was playing in. I won because I know I did my best.

Ooh I'm so proud of myself:)

500, 000th

I just love getting emails from them.

Hi,

16 days left in the year. And what a year it has been.

Winning an Oscar for our film Smile Pinki in February was huge. Celebrating our 10^th year anniversary was great.

But by far the best thing we did this year… was operate on our 500,000^th child in March.

No other organization - non-profit or for-profit - in the world has ever changed so many lives through surgery in such a short period of time.

And we could never have done it without your help.

500,000 is an almost impossible number of children to comprehend or appreciate or even visualize.

But think of it this way.

If all the boys and girls we have operated on stood on each other’s shoulders, they would stand higher than the Empire State building.

(Higher than 160 Empire State buildings to be exact!)

If all the children we have helped held hands in a line, that line of boys and girls would be 40 miles long.

If they all picked up the phone and called you at your home to say, “Thank you for changing my life,” and each call took just 3 minutes, it would take you more than 4 years to speak to all of these kids. (That’s assuming you answered the phone every 3 minutes and you didn’t sleep or eat.)

It‘s fun figuring all the different ways to visualize 500,000 happy smiling kids.

What is not so fun is to visualize all the children we haven’t helped.

Yes, believe it or not, 40 miles of children smiling and holding hands is not enough!

On behalf of all 42 employees here at The Smile Train, (17 of which are on the front lines in developing countries and working out of their homes) I thank you for your support and I wish you and your family a very happy and healthy New Year.

Thanks for helping us change the world one smile at a time,

Brian
Co-Founder/President

P.S. If you have any suggestions or comments or criticisms, please feel free to email me back directly. I actually do read your emails and appreciate you taking the time to let us know what we are doing right and wrong.

brain

What many can relate to.

What I can relate to for anatomy; especially embryology. *shivers*

daughter

Encounters with adults in the presence of my parents has caused me to generate a theory. Three theories in fact.

Whenever I walk with my mom, we look like sisters. Many girls can relate to this fact. But it's happening a bit too often. For example, at my mom's reunion with her ex-primary schoolmates, after they all screamed when they met each other, they glanced at me with an expectant look. I knew what was coming. I wait for it and... "This is my daughter, Alia." And with this comes the usual wide-eyed plus the hand-clutching-heart gesture and a shriek of "This is your DAUGHTER???" and usually followed by the inevitable "How old are you?" I smile.

I am quite used to this routine by now. It is almost predictable. At one point, I guess I would just take joy in watching their shocked faces and gasps of bewilderment. Honestly, I guess it's an experience.

Well, I thought I can handle it every time we meet with relatives and friends because I normally stick with my mom.

But it's a whole different story if someone says it when I'm with my dad. Because that is totally stretching it.

I never knew the day would come but it did. We were at a mini grocery store and we were getting some stuffs. When my dad wanted to purchase some more snacks for the "hungry ones back home", I whined and said that we already had more than enough. The cashier who was near me smirked and said: "Biarla abang belanje." I did not smile.

I turned around and stared at him because I could absolutely not process what he said and my dad, leaning at the counter said jovially; "Oh, this is my daughter."

The guy's pupils practically dilated and he froze for a second. And he sheepishly smiled and said "Oh ye ke?" And when my dad casually added, "She's my third child.", the cashier squeaked out a (nervous) laugh. I think he would probably have a cardiac arrest if my dad revealed that he has 6 kids.

So here goes theory 1:

I look older. This theory I'd prefer to push aside. Because how can a 19 year old look like a 47 year old? Except of course I wouldn't since my parents don't look like they're in their late 40's.

Theory 2:

My parents look younger. This is a more likely theory. Considering my mom's biological age is 25 (proven). Plus my dad swims EVERY morning so he looks fresh all the time and not at all haggard. That's where his fountain -or rather swimming pool- of youth comes from. They just look younger; that's it.

Theory 3:

They've never seen daughter-parent relationship like how we interact. Another plausible theory. I mean, I joke and laugh and don't roll my eyes at my parents. I suppose this would cause their minds unable to render the fact that daughters can actually get along with their parents as if we're besties.

Well, confronting eye-bulging, mouth-gaping people are a norm to me now. It is rather interesting to see the various yet similar reactions people actually come up with. It's either the "O-M-G" slow-mo if they are able to manage some kind of verbal communication or the I-am-too-shocked-to-even-comprehend-what-information-registered-just-now. So far, none has been more interesting of a reaction than the cashier dude.

Bottom line is though, I love walking with my parents. Being around them. Letting them "feel" young. Haha:P

For me, I just smile:)

Moral of the story:

Swim 25 laps everyday.

Or like what my dad says:

Don't walk with your parents:)

home

It's 1:20pm.

I am sitting on the veranda at Janda Baik. Nestled comfortably on a round rattan chair. Listening to "Thank you Allah" by Maher Zain. Everyone is lazing inside the house; simply because it's the perfect time to laze. It's too hot to do anything. But it's the heat that makes you appreciate the occasional heavenly cool breeze.

The garden in front has attracted butterflies. There are two yellow ones fluttering around the petunias. (Or at least I think they're petunias... Does it really matter?)

The river in view flows steadily downstream; there are no telltale signs of the huge splashes and water flow disruptions that my brothers and I did this morning. The only give-away would be the wet clothes hung on the ledges to dry.

My Behavioural Science papers are all sprawled on the study table inside. Opened, looked at, but left almost minutes after my commencement.

The cool air is blowing more and more now. And the heat has lessened. Maybe because the clouds have shifted.

And I think: This is perfect. I'm home.

jubilee mission

I like this:

"We spare competition to share competence and JUBILEE MISSION is an all-human’s haven"

The Poor Man's Hospital

First Aid

Today was supposed to be uneventful. Well, at least that's how it started.

We went to a wedding in Bidor, my uncle's wedding (my dad's cousin) and then we went to my dad's childhood-friend's son's wedding. While my dad was catching up with all his friends at the later wedding, my brothers and I waited in the car.

I was happily sketching and exchanging artworks with Siraj when suddenly my dad opened the door and urgently said, "Alia! Is there anything you can do? A lady fell down over there." He pointed near the road towards the other end.

The first thing I thought was: What on earth can I do?? And the second thing I thought about was: Remember Basic Life Support procedure...Danger.. Response..Check Airway, Breathing, Circulation...

I came out of the car rushing to where a small crowd had already gathered. There was a petite old lady sitting on a chair. There were lacerations on her hands and her nose. There was blood gushing out from her nose; and her daughter was holding tissues to stop the blood from dripping everywhere. Ironically, the first thing I thought of was Heamostasis; platelet system and coagulation cascade; which is normal since I've just passed through pathology block. There was a first aid kit next to her. I knelt in front of her and asked what happened.

And I heard the question I've never heard live before: "Is there a doctor here?" and I heard: "She's a medical student." Apart from the daughter who was just holding the tissue to stop the blood from the nose, I was the only one attempting to tend to her wounds.

They wanted to put a plaster but then I said we have to put antiseptic first. All I did was to take the tissues and clean the wounds. When I wiped the blood from her hands, I asked if it hurt and if she was in pain anywhere else (in Malay of course; I guess I can use malay if my life depended on it). She shook her head. Blood was still coming out from her nose...

The weird thing was that, everyone was passing me everything when I asked for antiseptic/ cotton/ water/ tissue, they all immediately gave them to me like I knew exactly what to do.

But in reality, I really did not know what to do. Honestly.

I don't know if what I did was right. I felt so useless and helpless.

But Alhamdulillah, in a moment, the groom's brother got there, who happened to be a 4th year medical student. And there was another lady who was a qualified doctor. They brought her to a car and decided to drive her to a nearby clinic. At that moment, I stepped back. A little shaken and a bit stunned.

I think it was the greatest lesson I've learnt. It wasn't like a huge accident or anything. But when people hear "medical student", you can feel that there's already an expectation. Regardless of the fact that you've only been in med school for only 4 months. And I felt the heaviness of that responsibility on my shoulders today. When people expect that you would know what to do.

I felt so inadequate and so little when I realized I couldn't actually do anything.

In this field, it's no playing business. I mean, we know that we are dealing with people's lives and all. But it didn't hit me til today that every single knowledge would be extremely important. This is not going to be the first and last. There are going to be countless more of these to come; even worse and life-threatening conditions. In the end, I'd have to equip myself with as many knowledge and practices as possible so that I can use them in situations like these.

So that next time, I wouldn't just be there lost; but actually doing something and upholding the trust given.

Can I make it through?

To do: Learn First Aid.

From Smile Train

It's addressed to my dad because I requested that he post the money through online banking. So it's from his account; thus that's why it's addressed to him. Although I would have wanted my name there instead, it's the donation that counts really. RM 178 (52.73 USD) for Smile Train:)

Dear Ahmad,

Thank you very, very much for helping us. Raising money has been getting tougher and tougher in this lousy economy. While the number of kids who need help continues to soar. This year, we expect 20,000 ADDITIONAL children to show up at our hospitals begging for help. Hopefully, with support from folks like you and a little luck, we can keep our record of never having turned any child away.

I want you to know that YOUR donation is really going to make a difference. The surgery you’re helping make possible is a modern-day medical miracle. In as little as 45 minutes, for as little as $250, this surgery can give a desperate child not just a new smile, but a new life.

As a small token of our appreciation, I’m going to send you a picture of a child that you helped. In 2-3 months, expect another letter from me. We’ll put PICTURES ENCLOSED on the envelope so you don’t think we’re asking you for more money and throw it away!

On behalf of all 43 employees here at The Smile Train, many thanks again for helping us help these kids.

All the best,

Brian Mullaney Co-Founder/President

I managed to save enough amount of money long time ago. But finally donated the money... I can't wait to get that picture!:D

much more

Continuation from yesterday's post:)

CHET Presentation was.... unexpected yesterday. Groups were called at random to present their report on their previous visits to a medical or health facility. For the past two presentation classes, M16 was not called up. So this being our final CHET presentation, my team mates were silently praying under their breaths: "M16... M16..." And Allah answered our prayers because ours were the 5th (i think) group to present.

So this time it was me and Najah's turn to present. I started off with an attention grabber and I think I went quite smoothly going over our cognitive objectives. I was looking at the audience- and the unexpected happened. I don't know how and I don't know why but when I made eye contact with her, I smiled and she smiled. And we suddenly burst out laughing.

It's all fine and dandy if we were laughing at a corridor or if we were both sitting at the seats. But imagine this: she was sitting amongst the audience while I was presenting and there were all eyes on me. She wasn't doing anything in particular. We just happened to look at each other and smiled; I guess I've not been hanging out with her for so long... So I laughed. Infront of my batch mates. And the two lecturers conducting the class. They must have thought me insane. Or demented.

And when I finally regained composure, I actually looked at her again and we burst out laughing again. The lecturer actually turned around and asked what was so funny and asked if "there were some people making signs at me".

I've never learnt in Toastmasters how to handle a sudden bursting out into a laughter moment. I lost the momentum there. Of course after my presentation, I strangled her:P She wouldn't like this but... Kak Atikah, I won't look at you the next time I'll be presenting.

Fortunately or unfortunately, my sports match yesterday was cancelled due to the heavy rain. Allah answered my prayers. Not that I didn't want the match to happen; but the fact that please let whatever happens be for the best.

When we reached home from the match though, I was actually still enthusiastic to be outdoors. So I told Najah I didn't want to go in. She looked at me and I looked at her. And she said, "Okay, let's dance in the rain." Of course I didn't dance in the rain but we walked through it to the lake and spilled our heart's contents to our heart's content (This is not a typo).

And fortunately or unfortunately, MMU TMC meeting was cancelled yesterday too.

I think I was having quite a long day; full of anticipation for some things which were not expected. But when I reflect it over, when I see that there are times I can frown and cry- there's just too many other things to be smiling over:)

Like for the fact that many of my batch mates congratulated me over my CHET presentation (although they were quite perplexed at my sudden burst). And instead of the match, I caught up with Najah and we enjoyed the drizzle. And Zahid reminded me that handling a club is not going to be easy and we should be tough and strong through it because these things will happen through our lives again and again. It's good to be surrounded by so many supportive people:)

Like Faz said; Alia, you're only 19. You're going to go through much much much more.

jel

*breathe in* *breathe out*

Presentation.

Match.

Meeting.

One after the other.

I think not a day has passed where my legs have felt any more jelly-ish and my hands more colder than today. I think I'm going to be having tachycardia for the next 24 hours.

leader

"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader."

--- Anonymous

love and hugs

Ummi

Can I say that I had a difficult, hard, trying day today? Can I complain and whine and sulk? Sigh...

No. My dad would say it had been a challenging day, full of lessons learnt and experiences acquired. Hurdles passed and home runs made. Mountains conquered and oceans explored. Yes, he would most definitely say that.

And just knowing that, I'm energized and inspired:)

I always wonder; do my actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more? Because knowing that would be the most rewarding thing...