Rheumatoid Arthritis

Osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis was the topic of our study group discussion tonight. After discussing just how severe the condition is, it made me wonder how anyone could have the strength the deal and bear with it. It made me recall a particularly interesting patient I met during my medical posting earlier in the year.

So a few months back, while waiting for our lecturer to arrive at the hospital, I sat at the waiting area infront of the specialist clinic. A 20y/o ++ lady sat a few seats away and was holding on to what looked like a research paper. I looked at her and smiled- to which she returned a warm one. Not planning to clerk her, I decided to just make small talk- and found out that she was studying and researching about Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). When I inquired further, she was so excited to tell me all about RA and even questioned me about the signs and symptoms (to which I could barely stutter, after just entering IM).

She told me how she got sick. She told me how it was confused with rheumatic fever. She told me how the condition was so bad at one point and she had to use the wheelchair. Then after that she couldn't even walk anymore- she had to have a total hip replacement and it was one of the most difficult and trying times of her life. But she said she kept her thoughts positive (while saying it in a very chirpy and cheerful manner) !

A very interesting thing happened. When I asked her if she had any signs of subluxation- while demonstrating my fingers bending outwards (a sign of RA), she immediately covered her eyes and squealed, "No! Don't show me! I don't want to imagine it so that I won't think about it and I won't get it insyaAllah." She laughed after that and I smiled back in amazement. She said that now her condition has improved but it could still worsen.

I was truly marveled to meet such an amazing person. My lecturer arrived, we ended our conversation and we parted ways. Here is a young patient, whose condition had really affected the quality of her life. Where most people would despair, she somehow found strength and resilience and inspired me!

InsyaAllah, I hope wherever you are, you're successful in this life- and even in the Hereafter. I pray you're doing well and still inspiring other people- that even in challenging conditions, you can still keep your hopes up.

The night I lost motivation and found it again almost immediately when I realized I needed to give a tazkirah the next morning

It's a very long title because that was the first thing that came to mind when I wrote out the title.

Last night I somehow lost motivation to study. I mean, I know what topics I'm supposed to read up and to cover and to revise but somehow my mind ended up being very unfocused. In my unmotivated mood, my friend reminded me that it was my turn to deliver the tazkirah before class the next morning. I acknowledged it- but it must have been somehow stored at the very back of my mind because I only just remembered it again while I was getting ready for class this morning.

So this morning I slapped my forehead in frustration for having forgotten that I had to deliver a tazkirah. For one, I really value tazkirah time because everyone's mentally prepared for a reminder and secondly, when we're given the task to deliver a tazkirah, we should make the best of it and not waste other people's time. So I sat momentarily and racked my brains for the best possible topic. Normally the best and easiest topics are ones that come from the heart. And after having 'lost motivation' the night before, I tried to search for the best topic to talk about. And Alhamdulillah, the topic came to me. And while thinking about it, it made me reflect on a lot of things.

In our Family Medicine posting, we have a whole week where we are attached to a GP clinic. On the last day of our attachment, this was what the GP said to my friend and I. And it really made me reflect.

Before you enter medical school, you have to get high grades and compete with each other. But y'know, after you've entered med school, you don't have to compete anymore. You're not competing with anyone. What you have to do is just to study. And if you follow the syllabus and the curriculum set out for you in medical school, it's a guarantee that you'll pass.

Thinking about that, it made me reflect on several things:

1. How come I never realized this earlier? Here I didn't need to compete with anyone. I just needed to study for 'myself' because in the end, I'd need to use it to treat patients and help people in the future. If I didn't study and put effort into it, I'd only be the one at a loss.
2. Having been so exam-oriented, it taught me to study to pass exams. I mean, yes, we do need to pass exams but that's so that our knowledge is as what it should be. But the lecturers don't need our exam grades. We need the knowledge. And low grades is just an assessment that we don't have enough knowledge to be someone competent to treat others. This seems like such an obvious answer after having written it down. And it made me realize another thing... We already know the answers to the exams. We don't know which questions but if we keep learning and studying, we'd have already come across the answers anyway.
3. Before I entered medical school, I really wanted to become a doctor to help other people. Others asked, "But other occupation too can help people." And I think, "But I want to particularly help people in this way."
   Sometimes when some doctors ask us, "Why do you want to become a doctor? And don't tell us it's because you want to help people," and I think, "Why not? Why can't it be because we want to help people?" Maybe it's because our actions doesn't reflect that intention. That if we really want to help people, we'd put in all our effort and interest towards that in each step of our journey in med school.
4. And in conclusion; if I want to help people, and if I don't have to compete and I know what I need to study, then why am I not motivated to study?

Alhamdulillah, all that reflecting and all that common sense written down... I think that's exactly what made me more motivated to study tonight (and hopefully the rest of the other nights when my mood is not as it should be).

But well, I ended up not even delivering the tazkirah because we had a very busy morning. But it gave me a lot to think about (another reflection is that stress and performance go hand in hand!) Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal :)

Alia Nadhirah

nine-fifty post meridiem

2 things

When your heart is heavy, you try to find ways to pacify the ache. And suddenly, Alhamdulillah, the answer comes almost instantly, that you even wonder why it took you time to think: Do'a and the Qur'an.

I once heard...

 Do'a is a way for you to speak to Allah. And the Qur'an is the way for Allah to 'speak' to His servants.

InsyaAllah, no matter what hardship you have gone/ are going through, always turn to Allah and how ever way it turns out, it'll be okay in the end bi iznillah :)

:')

When your friend gets married, you get super excited and it's a really great feeling because you're just so happy for them. And when it's like your best friend and someone you've known for more than a decade, that joy is quadrupled and immense! But when the realization sinks... when you begin to accept the fact that it's not exactly going to be 'the same' anymore... well, for me it stings a little (or maybe a lot more than I'd like to admit).

She's going to have different priorities now, spending more time with that person. And it's like... imagine when you're young and you have this best friend. And suddenly she's best friends with someone else. It feels really bad... that you don't have her as a friend anymore. Perhaps a girl thing... Hahah. But when your best friend gets married, it's like someone else is 'stealing' her from you.

Funny. I hope this feeling passes real soon.

Allahu musta'an.

Of Bad Moods and Ice Creams

While being in an unexplainably irritable mood yesterday, I made it a point to at least inform my understanding brothers that I was not in a good mood.

When my 16-year-old brother Syarif came back from his debate program yesterday, he came into my room and asked what's was wrong.

To which I replied that I was in a bad mood.

To which he asked what would make me feel better and not in a bad mood.

I said whatever was at the top of my head; ice cream. It was just my inconsolable-irritable-I-don't-care-I-want-anything-eventhough-I-know-we-don't-have-it-and-I-know-you-can't-get-it-anyway mood.

He left my room... and came back a few minutes later with a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

I stared in disbelief. Since when did have ice cream? I asked.

He shrugged. Since last week I think.

Well, the ice cream didn't particularly solve anything. But it got me so surprised that it made me happy again :)

The Family

During the sahur at the masjid this morning, Arina and I was seated next to a family. Undoubtedly there was the mother, probably the eldest child around 20+, 2 boys between the ages 13 and 10 and a little girl probably the age of 5. While eating, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the family's conversation. The funny thing was that I could only make out a few words. I peeked and saw that they were very much Malaysians. At first I thought it was in a malay dialect I couldn't comprehend. But as I listen a little longer, I realized it. I looked at Arina and realized that she was listening too. Her eyebrows furrowed, but as we exchanged looks, she smiled and mouthed "MashaAllah...". I smiled and we continued eating in silence.

They were talking as if in their own world, and making jokes and laughing. All in Arabic. Very fluent arabic! How remarkable!

After we cleared our plates and walked towards the wudhu' area, Arina said to me "I conclude that they lived in Egypt and they came back here for the holidays." I nodded- that was probably the most acceptable reason. How else could they be so fluent? But as we walked, I noted the mother in the purple hijab. Thinking "You'll only ever get the answer when you ask" (a personal principle), I made a silent vow that I would find her and ask her.

Before subuh prayers started, I spied her and her girls walking towards the wudhu area. They parted ways and the mother and the youngest daughter approached a lady to probably have a chat. The mother eyed me and I smiled, gesturing that I wanted to talk to her. She signaled for me to wait and so I sat next to them. After having finished the conversation, the mother approached me and asked who I was.

My name is Alia, I introduced myself.

Ah, how can I help you?

Well, I was sitting next to you during sahur. I'm so sorry I couldn't help but listen to your family's conversation. My friend and I were so amazed to hear your children speak in fluent Arabic. How was it that they were able to speak so well? Did you live abroad?

She smiled knowingly, perhaps all too familiar with such a question. My husband studied abroad previously in Jordan. So when we had our children, they grew up with Arabic. When we came back to Malaysia, we schooled them in an international Arabic school. And when they grew up, arabic was their main language of communication. When their younger siblings were born, they picked up the language from their older siblings.

Wow...  I smiled in awe.

She laughed, and said: The kids are delighted that they have a language that other people can't really understand as much as them. To be fluent in a language, you have to practice it often.

Those were her parting words. I thanked her, shook her hand and sat back next to Arina in saff.

I smiled in reminiscence. I understand well when she talks about her kids being able to speak in 'their own language'. When I look at her kids, they were really close and it reminds me of my family. When we came back from Oman, we only ever conversed in English. And we didn't mix so much with other people. Not because they couldn't speak in English, but because we couldn't speak much Malay. Though that's probably that's not the case with them...

MashaAllah, as Arina and I discussed about Arabic and the amazing family, I thought how awesome it is to be able to speak in Arabic so fluently. I lived 5 years in an Arabic country and spent another 5 years having Arabic classes, but not actually picking up and practicing the language.

InsyaAllah, I'm endeavoring to learn Arabic as much as I can!

Note: Conversation was in Malay, translated to English for the convenience of the writer.

The Medical Illustrator (Part 2)

The Medical Illustrator (Part 1) Link

I hesitated, "Was it supposed to be a secret?"

"No, no," he laughed heartily, "But not many people know that. Only my close friends who are doctors know that I draw surgical drawings. How did you find out? Is your dad a doctor?"

I told him about my dad's friend who had informed him. That neither my dad nor his friend were doctors.

He was deep in thought. "That's strange. I didn't think anyone else would know."

I nodded, unsure what to say. So I started with my lines, while presenting the coloured manuscript to him.

I explained about my project while he patiently listened. He said that he had seen the ALIEN Biz blog. And Alhamdulillah, he had such excellent views on it! He said that the artworks were fantastic and this effort was commendable.

My heart was still beating wildly but it had positively glowed. I thanked Allah silently for such an opportunity and an amazing response.

He leafed through several pages of the manuscript I had given him. He gave a few comments and raised several important and crucial legal publishing issues. Not only did he agree to look at the drawings, but he also agreed to look at the content. So when I asked if he would review the whole book, he smiled in agreement and replied, "When do you want it back?"

After arranging for the next meeting, I stood up to leave. He asked me one final question; "Why did you start this?" I explained about needing to raise the funds for a project for the Somali refugees and how I sold my notes to raise the money and how it had escalated to this.

At the door, I asked quite seriously if I needed to pay for this consultation (I just wanted to make sure since I didn't think I'd have the money for it). But he only laughed warmly and I smiled (though still confused).

I closed the door behind me, smiled non-stop and walked with a spring every step of the way back out.